A close person offended how to be. Messages. Resentment as a tool to achieve the goal
Resentment arises most often as a result of a discrepancy between our plans and reality. Deceived expectations give rise in a person to unconscious claims to the world around and people. Resentment is dissatisfaction with events or a certain person, one’s own social status, appearance, but in general - a life in which, as it seems to an offended person, there are not enough goods he needs: love, warmth, or more material things - money, comfort, success, appreciation.
Is there anyone who has not been hurt at one time or another by the words of others? The offending party may have been insensitive or angry and probably wrong, but is that the end of the story? Are unkind words supposed to lead to broken relationships? We cannot control others, so what can we do if they do not acknowledge their crimes? What if they don't think it's very important and there's no need to apologize? When a few people tell us that it hurts too much to offend us, we may need to ask ourselves, right?
The attack can stack on top of the crime until the original attack is forgotten. If we are offended, is there anything we can do to save the relationship? In most cases, we cannot control what others do, but we can control how we react or react to their words or actions. This is covered in the Bible in the book of Ecclesiastes.
The negative is directed towards certain person or a group of people and, as a rule, leads either to an external conflict, or to “self-eating”. Resentment, expressed outwardly, inevitably leads to alienation, to the loss of ties with loved ones, to the destruction of relationships, to scandals.
Resentment experienced in silence entails no less serious consequences: evil directed inward, as a rule, leads to psychological destabilization, mental disorders, and bodily ailments.
"And don't take anything people say to heart so you don't hear your servant cursing you." One can evoke pride; the other, anger. But, of course, it can be unpleasant to hear someone criticize us. No one can go through life without encountering some type of personal criticism.
If we let these things upset us every time we hear about them, our lives will end miserably. Consider this example from the Bible. One of King David's sons, Absalom, spoke to a number of leading Israelites to seize the throne from his father. David, seeing that his life was in danger, had to flee from Jerusalem, the capital of Israel. Accompanied by a few trusted friends, he fled to the nearby plains to avoid capture and almost certain death.
Physically, a person experiencing resentment weakens, becomes less resilient, more vulnerable to illness. The psyche also suffers: chronic resentment can lead to depression, to obsessive states. Doctors suggest that excessive touchiness can lead to manic-depressive psychosis. Another serious consequence, according to doctors, can be an oncological disease. In a state of resentment, the work of the brain is disturbed, perception is distorted, and immunity is reduced.
Resentment as a tool to achieve the goal
Now, when King David came to Bahurim, there was a man from the family of the house of Saul, whose name was Simei, the son of Hera, from there. He went out cursing constantly when he came. And he threw stones at David and at all the servants of King David. And all the people and all strong people were by right hand and to his left. And Shimei said when he cursed: Come out! You are a bloodthirsty man, you are outcasts! The Lord has brought upon you all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose place you have reigned; and the Lord delivered the kingdom into the hands of Absalom your son. So now you are getting into your own evil because you are a bloodthirsty person!
Being offended, a person cannot think constructively, work fully, enjoy life, “everything falls out of his hands”, he can be haunted by failures. Even a feeling of love, spoiled by resentment, takes on the character of painful dependence, the “cursed” attachment of the offended to the offender, and over time can develop into real hatred.
But David reprimanded his guard and did not allow him to harm the offensive man. Maybe God sent him to curse me. As a man after God's own heart, David knew that taking revenge on someone who might do wrong was not The best way take care of the problem.
Christians will be persecuted
It is better to put him in the hands of God and let him take care of it. Since this world is unconsciously watching Satan, the current ruler of this world, those who live differently, following the teachings of Christ, will sometimes look down upon, even despised. Christ warned His followers that, as He hated, they were just the same.
Resentment as a tool to achieve the goal
Another feature of resentment, expressed defiantly, is a tendency to manipulation. Usually, demonstrative resentment is used as a psychological weapon in a relationship to make a person feel guilty. Through remorse, sympathy or pity, a person becomes more pliable, and more often than not gives us what we want. True, sometimes we get what we want only formally.
If they are after Me, they will also be after you. If they keep my word, they will keep yours. But all this they will do for you for the sake of my name, because they do not know him who sent me. Talking about evil in the future will be worse. The apostle Paul said that the last days would be times of violence.
But know this, that in the last days dangerous times will come: for people will love themselves, lovers of money, Christians, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, ungodly, unloved, implacable, slanderers, without self-control, cruel, despising goodness.
Too much manipulation through resentment leads to a loss of sincerity in a relationship. And sooner or later there comes a moment when we are either given what we are seeking, as if trying to get rid of annoying claims - or they stop responding to insults, simply not noticing them. Often such emasculated relationships simply end, and feelings fade away.
Jesus said that those who try to make peace instead of retribution in anger will be blessed: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." It will be useful in the end. Blessed are you when they insult and persecute you, and tell every evil thing against you falsely for my sake. Rejoice and you will be very glad, for great is your reward in heaven, because they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Jesus said that if we are patient and merciful to others, God will be patient and merciful to us. And it's the humble or humble one who in time will become the ruler under Jesus Christ, who will inherit the earth. Before His death, Jesus was beaten, spat and reviled. Peter wanted to use the sword on those who came to arrest Jesus. But Jesus said that if that were the case, He could call on thousands of powerful angels to defeat His opponents! But this was not what His Father wanted.
How to overcome resentment?
Get rid of emotions. Imagine that you have switched places with the offender. Try to understand it. Perhaps the person is not even aware of your problems, and neither in sleep nor in spirit, as they say, does he know that you are offended? Or maybe his rudeness is caused by personal pain? Or maybe you unknowingly caused this pain?
And suddenly one of those who were with Jesus put out his hand and drew his sword, struck the servant of the high priest and cut off his ear. But Jesus said to him: Put your sword in its place, for all who take up the sword will perish by the sword. How, then, would the Scripture be fulfilled to make it so? Over time, Peter learned better. In his first letter, he wrote how God's people should respond to the mistakes they might experience.
For it is commendable if, because of your conscience towards God, you endure grief that suffers unrighteously. What is the merit for if, when you are beaten for your shortcomings, you patiently accept it? But when you do good and suffer, if you patiently accept it, it is commendable before God. For to this end you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example for you to follow his steps: "who committed no sin, nor deceived in his mouth"; who, when He was offended, did not offend in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but gave Himself up to Him who judges righteously.
Try to accept the circumstances, the people who surround you - as a given. Think about what can be improved, and what can be put up with?
Remember: you cannot improve your own life by trying to change the people around you. Only by changing the attitude towards life and people, through one's own improvement, one can change the quality of relations. In other words, if you change yourself in better side then your attitude will change.
Look back at Jesus preaching on the mountain, at the beginning of the section called Beatitudes. The Bible shows the elusive way of the world. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceful, tender, ready to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is settled in the world by those who make peace.
We show God our love for Him by obeying His law. Psalm 119 was written a man who proclaimed his love for God's law. Note that if we see that His law expresses both His will and His character, then we will understand that there is a higher and eternal purpose for life. Then earthly things, which are only temporary, will be of lesser importance than those which are spiritual and infinite.
Sometimes resentment has serious grounds. Does it humiliate you, insults a friend or a loved one? You may have problems with self -esteem. It is necessary either to put the offender in his place, openly showing his negative attitude - or to put a protective barrier between the offender and himself. Sometimes it is better to stop such relationships altogether - of course, if we are not talking about close relatives, children, parents.
With such an understanding, the psalmist wrote: "" Great world There are those who love your law, and nothing will offend them. ” It is harder for an offended friend to recoup than a fortified city. The arguments of individual friends, like a gate locked with bars. It is very difficult to win the favor and affection of a person who is offended, even if he is a Christian. Ask people who have been hurt if they ever forgive and come to terms with the people who hurt them, and chances are you will hear a resounding no. Crimes bring wedges into relationships and cause divisions.
Why is it important to learn to forgive insults?
In a state of resentment, a person feels as if he is sick. And this feeling does not just happen. Resentment is one of the spiritual ailments; in fact, it is a mental illness. If you let it grow, the consequences will be extremely unpleasant.
Forgiveness is the only cure for the diseased state in which a person is immersed because of resentment. To forgive means to give up revenge, discontent, to direct energy in a creative direction - to restore friendly relations and trust. When Vital energy works with a positive sign, mood improves, physical well-being strengthens.
The first thing that is broken when there is a crime is trust. We all have a certain level of trust given to our friends. The closer and more important than attitude, the deeper and higher the level of trust. it follows that when the perpetrator is a trusted and very close person to the offended person, the level of pain is higher.
Second, when a person is offended, that person often asks, "Why did this happen to me?" Because of this, many offended become bitter and lose confidence in others. In some cases, those offended see themselves as less than they really are, because "someone had the strength to hurt them." From this point on, there are at least two responses: distrust of others and an overwhelming desire to defend or hate oneself, both of which are cynical.
It is very important to learn to forgive. It is not necessary to regard your forgiveness as a beneficence in relation to the offender: you are a scoundrel - and I am a saint. Forgiveness is needed, first of all, for you, so that the destructive energy of resentment does not destroy your life.
Keeping grudges, dragging a whole heap of your unsatisfied claims with you means not appreciating your life and those who treat us well. Grievances repel, reproaches irritate, claims destroy all the best that binds even very close people. Touchy people lose friends, they are not loved at work. And this is not surprising: who likes that he is “strained” endlessly? Being in our own grievances, we deprive ourselves and those whom we are offended of comfort in relationships.
Here's what's next: hurt people build defenses to protect themselves. Some become "hermits", holding on to themselves, fearing they will get hurt again. Others remain vengeful, waiting for the perpetrator to fall and be humiliated. Others seem to live on but remain safe - when new friend comes too close, they start to give away the distance. These suspicious people often live "injured and bleeding" lives, though they won't admit it.
How to win an offended brother. It is a very difficult task to overcome an offended brother, but it is worth all the effort if a person turns away from the Lord. It is important to God that we make an effort to restore a brother who has fallen either through sin or other transgression.
It’s good if you have a balanced, wise friend who will support your spirit and distract you from heavy, vengeful thoughts. It is categorically impossible to complain about insults to friends who will only stir up emotions, in words supporting not you, but your negativity. This will only aggravate the difficult psychological state and exacerbate the conflict that you are experiencing.
First, you need to pray for the person. Keep praying until God softens the heart of the person who may end up opening. Second, you need to be quick to listen and speak slowly. Offended people must acknowledge their wounds and release them. Satan loves to set footholds in a person's life, and they often come in the form of pains that are not brought into the light and are not converted. Do your best to get offended people to open up.
Third, offer them brotherly love. If you are the one who hurt them, ask for their forgiveness. If someone else hurts them, help them release their forgiveness. Forgiveness must be released: it's like the drawbridge of a medieval castle - if the bridge doesn't go down, no one can come in or get out. There is no freedom in not forgiving.
Resentment is covert or overt hostility. By forgiving, a person internally refuses a hostile attitude. If it is difficult to forgive insults and they have exhausted you, you should think: is everything in order with your soul, psyche? Perhaps you should go to a psychologist, and if you are a believer, then ask for advice in the church.
Communication with relatives, friends or lovers is significantly different, say, from communication with just acquaintances, neighbors or colleagues. It is the people who are truly close that often hurt us the most. And either this results in scandals, or we endure such a situation for years, although it causes us serious discomfort, and sometimes becomes completely unbearable. Is there any third way?If we encounter a person only in one plane - for example, at work or on the basis of common interests, then we do not expect too much from him. A colleague, neighbor, or sewing friend has little interest in how we look, whether we know how to cook, or how we raise our child. But he can already release a couple of comments about our appearance or lifestyle. If you live with your parents, with your husband, with your mother-in-law, then each of them can tell you what he thinks about this.
Why is it important to learn to forgive insults?
The whole systems approach is a Scottish government program to address the needs of young people involved in abuse. Backed by the fact that it is appropriate for every child, it ensures that anyone providing support places the child or young person - and their family - at the center. Practitioners should work together to support families and take the first steps at the first sign of any difficulty, not just participate when the situation has reached a breaking point.
"Why are you so dressed up today? Yes, and a crow's nest on your head, when do you go to the hairdresser? - the girlfriend is interested. And if he sees that you didn’t like it, he can add: “Well, I wish you well, that’s why I make comments! After all, if not me, then who? I am a friend to you, which means I have the right to criticize you! "
“Everyone has children like children, you alone! And you don’t know how to earn money, and your husband is worthless! ” - Mom says when you are left alone with her.
This, however, does not mean that crimes committed by children and young people go unpunished. Children and youth can still be prosecuted if the crime is serious enough to warrant an indictment or can be considered by the Child Hearing System.
Early and effective intervention
When young people come to the attention of the police, they take a flexible approach to misbehaving. The goal is to prevent future abuse or antisocial behavior by providing timely and proportionate interventions while alerting other agencies to problems that exist with regard to the behavior and well-being of the child or young person. The police and other agencies, including social work, health care, education and others, share information regarding their own contacts with the young person and jointly decide on the best responses to support the person and their family to meet any needs or risks.
“The apartment is a mess, he can’t cook food or clean properly, and where did the son find such a wife!” - the mother-in-law hisses, forgetting that you are forced to work 12 hours a day, because her son is not able to provide for his family ...
“What are you so fat? Pig right! You have to take care of yourself!" - casually throws a beloved husband.
Very often we prefer to remain silent in response to such remarks. “In order not to aggravate relations,” as we say to ourselves. Because, whatever it is, she is a friend ... And we have only one mother ... And the mother-in-law is still the husband’s mother, and it’s better not to quarrel with her ... And it’s better not to snap at your husband, otherwise he’ll leave, but what about you without a breadwinner and head of the family?
We may even tell ourselves deep down that our loved ones are right by criticizing us in a hurtful way. That they really want the best for us. And they say such offensive things precisely because they are close people. And since those close to us, it means that they have the right to offend us ...
Meanwhile, grievances accumulate like a snowball. And one fine day we send a friend who cares so much about us to hell, we slam the door in my mother’s apartment, promising that we won’t see her again, we tell our mother-in-law everything we think about her, we leave our husband, finally realizing that he does not love us ... And we remain alone until other people from the "inner circle" appear, who begin to offend us in the same way.
Events can develop in a different way. Every time we respond to an offensive remark with causticity and claims against the interlocutor in the style of “the fool himself”, reminding him that he, in turn, is not so ... Yes, both sides let off steam, but at the same time they wind their nerves. And sooner or later it ends with alienation or termination of the relationship.
Let's first answer the question - why do close people offend us? That's why they offend us because we are "ours". After all, we, in fact, don’t care about strangers ... At the same time, they can be sincerely convinced that by pointing out our miscalculations and shortcomings to us, they are doing good ... What is happening in reality? In fact, they assert themselves at our expense, feeling satisfaction from the fact that we turned out to be worse than them. A friend - a lover of criticism - herself may be poorly dressed, combed and unhappy in her personal life. Mom has achieved nothing in life and now survives on a tiny pension and what you throw at her. she is lazy and clumsy, and her husband brings money from gulkin's nose, and his favorite pastime is to lie on the couch, drinking beer ...
What to do? Learn not just to fight back, but to talk to loved ones about your feelings. Usually, in response to someone's attack, we are silent, we begin to make excuses, or scandals ... And why not say: “Why are you telling me such things? After all, I'm not telling you anything like that! Don't you understand that you're hurting me? Why are you bringing me this negativity?”
Appeal to feelings, not to reason. Do not insult, do not call the person names in response, explain to him that it is unpleasant for you, since he treats you this way. You can say: “For some reason, you don’t notice my virtues at all, but you pay attention to the slightest mistakes.” Don't be afraid to ask, "Since I'm so bad, maybe we should stop?" It is unlikely that these people are seriously interested in breaking up with you. And if they “run into” you precisely in order to bring the relationship to naught, then why do you even need such communication? Another good question: "Tell me, do you respect me?" It is clear that you do not ask it, because you are afraid to receive an answer like: “Why should I respect you?” But then everything will immediately fall into place, and you will understand that it is not worth holding on to such a relationship. Other options for the question: "You don't love me?" or "Do you need me?" Sometimes the threat of a breakup makes a person reconsider their behavior.
In general, your task is to provoke the interlocutor to frankness with disarming questions. Perhaps you will have a normal conversation that will reveal the true attitude towards you.
You can tactfully talk about your own claims against a person so that he understands: you have no less of them than he has, but for the time being you keep them to yourself. This is the way to reach an agreement. Maybe both sides should promise to work on their shortcomings. But the conversation must be two-way!
Always remember: if a person values you, he will not intentionally act in such a way that you feel bad for him. If you are not dear to him and he is not going to reckon with your feelings, then there is no point in maintaining a relationship. Try to distance yourself from such a person.
